Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled

up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled

directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted

and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the

same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered

over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball

right up on to the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the

fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a

nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled

down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward

the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and

bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly,

a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.

Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they

passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which

bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad.”

[Blown BA]

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

[Blown BA]

Two guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking

for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking

for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What

does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red

hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What

does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."

[ktford]

Fellow is wandering the aisles of a pharmacy one day, when the lady assistant offer him help he asks for the location of the tampons, shortly thereafter he meets her again the register with a ball of string & a packet of cotton wool. The lass asks, excuse me sir but I thought you wanted tampons, old mate answers, yes I did, then I remembered that I asked wifey to buy me some cigarettes yesterday & she came home with a packet of Champion Ruby & a box of papers, so I thought I <3 Bananas it she can rool her bloody own too.

Scotty

[aniken]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Here is a picture of Bobby Sue

[Blown BA]

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Blown BA]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

[Blown BA]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday

evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled

with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

[ktford]

Dear old friends Norma & Dougy were remernicing at the retirement home about their lives with their departed spouses when they both realised how much they missed oral sex, in a heated moment Dougy decided he'd GO THERE on Norma, after his quick muff dive Dougy came up for air & exclaimed, "crikey it stinks down there, I can't go on." Norma retorted, "oh Douglas it's my artheritis," Dougy bewildered replied "Norma I've done this quite a few times over my life & have never heard of an Artheretic *beep*." Norma completely on top of her game, "no silly it is my shoulder, it is so sore that I can't wipe me arse properly"

Scotty

[wicksy]

Phantom is a joke isn't it