Joke Of The Day

[ktford]

The expression "Is the pope a catholic," is to be replaced with "Is the pope a Nazi"

The real reason the Italian Cardinal didn't become pope is because his name is Secola & he'd be known as Pope Secola.

Scotty

[Cro]

Properties of Woman

[Macktheknife]

Bloke goes into the Doc's.

Doc says "How are you and what can we do for you today?"

Bloke says "Doc, I keep thinking I'm curtains"

Doc say "For Gods sake man, pull yourself together"..........

[Cro]

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/ragingfred.wmv

Robert Denero and Joe Pesci as the Flinstones

[Blown BA]

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[Blown BA]

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[Blown BA]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's *beep*. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,

I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[aniken]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[aniken]

Some of the more obscure measures you should be aware of:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

[aniken]

One-liners

>1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

>2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

>3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

>4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

>5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

>6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

>7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

>8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

>9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

>10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

>11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

>12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

>13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

>14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

>15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

>16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

>17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

>18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

>19. Procrastinate Now!

>20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

>21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

>22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

>23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

>24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

>25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

>26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

>27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

>28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

>29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

>30. I smile and nod because I don't know what the hell is going on