Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6man]

simply could not resist

Shazzy

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So that must make you ... er, um ... ir resist able ???

PS

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be

able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who

do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[phantomchic]

the challenge is on

BEHIND EVERY

SUCCESSFUL WOMAN

IS HERSELF

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG

SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER

IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN

ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW

TO COMBINE MARRIAGE

AND A CAREER

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST

BETTER RICH

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN

And I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE

AND I KNOW HOW

TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...

I DID IT RIGHT

THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME.

YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT

AND NO ONE

TO CHOKE

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,

SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

[Turbo6man]

    the challenge is on

DO NOT START WITH ME.

YOU WILL NOT WIN

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

OK OK I give in ... oh, hang on a sec, I just have to let the dog in ...

[phantomchic]

    the challenge is on

DO NOT START WITH ME.

YOU WILL NOT WIN

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

OK OK I give in ... oh, hang on a sec, I just have to let the dog in ...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good Choice!!!

make sure the dog is bathed and deflead first

shazzy

Oh err PLEASE

[maximum_velocity]

now I have been told shazzy has small feet

[aniken]

Rural Australian computer terminology

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eat's the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[Blown BA]

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.” “Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but b**ch since you got here.”

[Blown BA]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[Blown BA]

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

11. We put the "k" in "kwality."

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

2. Plagiarism saves time.

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

[ENVY-T]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"