Joke Of The Day

[ENVY-T]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[ENVY-T]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[ENVY-T]

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the pen*s! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the pen*s. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.

[ENVY-T]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

[phantomchic]

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to

take

it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it

out on

someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd

forgotten to

make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying

"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak

with

Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in

number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe

that

anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct

number to

call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two

digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number

again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an

a###hole!"

and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a###hole' next

to

it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I

was

paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "

You're

an a###hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a###hole'

calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the

Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID

Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an

a###hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking

spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been

waiting

for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"

sign in

his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a###hole ( I

had

his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW

a###hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for

sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I

asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,

and

the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a###hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to

my

speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a###holes to call. Then I

came up

with an idea. I called A###hole #1.

Hello."

"You're an a###hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A###hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house,

with my

black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a###hole," and hung up.

Then I called A###hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a###hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick you're a###," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a###hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over

right

now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I

lived at

34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to

kill

my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war

going

down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there

just

in time to watch two a###holes beating the crap out of each other

in

front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news

crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works .

[ENVY-T]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every

time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She

figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bas*ard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[phantomchic]

FEMALE PRAYER FOR 2005:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER FOR 2005:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor

store and a big boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t!

Amen

[harvyk]

Amen to that...

[Blown BA]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

[Blown BA]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?