Joke Of The Day

[ktford]

A Maori, a Tongan & an Aborigonal are driving along in a car, who is driving?????????

Corrective services

[NT TURBO]

A Maori, a Tongan & an Aborigonal are driving along in a car, who is driving?????????

Corrective services

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[phantomchic]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th

wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful

to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband"

said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and

abracadabra!

... two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:

"Well .. this is all very romantic, but an opportunity

like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but

my wish

is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed

but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ...

abracadabra!

the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story

Men might be ungrateful idiots,

But fairies are...

FEMALE

shazzy

[Blown BA]

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you f**k one goat..."

[Blown BA]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the b**ch to death with the chair!"

[Blown BA]

How to bathe a cat (the flush and fluff method):

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

[ENVY-T]

An unemployed man walks into the local Centrelink office, marches

straight up to the counter and says, "What's up man ... I hate being on

the dole. I'd really rather have a job bro."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because

of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort

her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment

above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The unemployed man says, "You're bullsh1tting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."

[cjm]

I'm not sure if I've done the attachment properly but here goes... we gals at work had the biggest laugh when we first saw it... Hope it works.

After4Be_1_.doc

[Turbo6man]

Oh dear ! That last pic is not Shaz is it ? :smilielol:

[ENVY-T]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?" “Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."