Joke Of The Day

[mbjunior99]

Have you tried the new Maccas Joey Johns meal.

All you get is Coke and Ice.

I was just sent that one too

[7MA61]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse

[mickbundy]

**GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I A POOFTA?" SELF EXAMINATION !**

1. If you are over thirty, and you have a ‘six pak’ stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing diets.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Faaaaarking *beep*. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Here puss puss puss, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Poofta. A straight man only sucks on snags, prawns, crabs, crayfish, pies ‘n sauce, a full strength smoke, an ice cold stubby, or a good set of tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a Poof.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public dunny or piss in a public place, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a rod in the back door. Coffee is to be strong, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had Sacarin in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types of wine, you might as well be handing out free passes to your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the AFL, NRL, NBA, Australian Cricket team and V8 Supercar Drivers. If you can pick out chartreuse, or you know what "fisting" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are a Pooftillian.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to ‘signal’ at a driver with interstate number plates, or to cut the wa*ker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, drag back on is Winnie blue, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his hornbag in the passenger seat.

[SHOWDOWN]

I was going well till 5, 6 and 7..

Long line of Diabeties in the family.

Used to be a barman/waiter

and bit hard to drift using one hand...

Ozzie

Edited 03/10/07 01:51 AM by XR6T3K

[Rob (F6)]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.

Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black

bear.

The black bear says, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decides to accept the latter alternative.

So the big black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he feels sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovers and vows revenge.

He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he finds the big black bear and shoots it dead. Right afterwards, there's another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear is standing right next to him. The Grizzly says, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again Frank decides it's better to cooperate with the grizzly than to be mauled to death... so the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although Frank survives, it takes him several months to fully recover. Now Frank is outraged, so he heads back to Alaska to track down the huge grizzly bear.

He finds it and shoots it dead. He's feeling sweet revenge, but seconds later there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looks at him and says, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do

you?"

[SHOWDOWN]

What if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms: Just do it.

* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good

* M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms: Quicken.Easy

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider

* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you

* RTA Condoms: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

Ozzie

[senna_T]

that's great Ozzie my entire office just got sent that!

[SHOWDOWN]

bloody e-mail spam...

[senna_T]

yeah but they'll love it, hopeless saps

[Dagabond]

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing. Enjoy

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday inKenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.......