Joke Of The Day

[Guest XR09]

A Pro Golfer walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "

I

just got this state-of-the-art watch, and

I

was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The pro explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because

I

am wearing

panties!"

The golfer smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[FPV6T]

SEX AT 82!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 74 ..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards......

[turbo.vixen]

A professor at the Sydney University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’

About 40 students raise their hands.

That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’

Three students raise their hands.

That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’

Way in the back, Nick raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’

Nick, the big greek, replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Nick, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’

Nick replied, “Sh!t, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

[FPV6T]

:rl: Edited 20/07/10 06:33 AM by fpv6t

[FPV6T]

Daddy's Daughter - Rules for the Boyfriends

(To be read and agreed before First Date)

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter; I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular kid, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, you will cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool.

2. Places where there is darkness.

3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, crop tops, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a quilted parker - zipped up to her throat.

5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.

6. Footy games are okay.

7. Old people’s homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and access to five acres in the bush.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over the Green Zone. When my “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Panda Eyes]

I like/\

[Guest XR09]

Joke of the year

Two Women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business!

[Corzza]

A Blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.'

'Why?', asks Sue, the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the f**king goalie!!'

[4DZILR]

hahahahahaha! The last one... absolute best!

[Guest XR09]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in

Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as

she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man

here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the

end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter

and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned

to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the

same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and

said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your

business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep

calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to

be a ballerina!