Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,

because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one

of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning

with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and

watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the

roof with his snoring I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a

man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,

what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and

watched me all night."

[Corzza]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Turbo6FG]

Saw a guy at JB HiFi the other day with a shirt that said:

I'm not a gynaecologist but I'll take a look

Edited 01/02/11 10:49 PM by Turbo6FG

[Corzza]

Fare Enuff:

A stark naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at the King William Street rank in Adelaide

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab

"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before? "

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from..."

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well I am bloody-well telling you I am thinking to myself,

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"

"Heya - Does the words "money box" spring to mind?"

[Turbo6FG]

Dear people who say they're a ninja when they catch things after dropping

them, Ninjas don't drop things.

Sincerely, a ninja

Dear Lady Gaga,

It's ok. I have a st-stuttering problem too.

Sincerely, P-p-p-porky the Pig

Dear old men at the gym,

Wearing short shorts does not make your manhood look any more attractive.

Sincerely, the world

Dear Peter Pan,

Sneaking around a child's bedroom and inviting them to neverland? Been

there, done that.

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear 16 and Pregnant,

Thanks for helping me feel better about my life.

Sincerely, 21 and single

Dear man in the car picking his nose,

Please realize that just because you are in your car doesn't mean you are

hidden from the world.

Sincerely, I can see you

Dear skin colored band aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, black people

Dear future employer,

Please ignore those Facebook photos from college. I can explain.

Sincerely, misbehaved

Dear optimist,

That's not a light at the end of the tunnel, that's the train. Sincerely,

pessimist

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear girls making kissy faces on Myspace and Facebook, There's a reason

we close our eyes when we kiss. Sincerely, boys.

Dear Cupcakes, The fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says a

lot about your self-esteem.

Sincerely, Muffins.

Dear Cat, Sorry for hoisting you into the air whenever 'The Circle of

Life' plays.

Sincerely, a Lion King enthusiast.

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed.

Dear Icebergs,Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,The Titanic

Dear Short People, No I don't play basketball, do you play miniature

golf?

Sincerely,Tall Person

Dear shower curtain,

Please never let there be a murderer behind you.

Sincerely,I look every time

[Corzza]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.

I'm Pastor Fluff"

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[xr6turbs]

Some are reposts from Turbo6FG but some are new.... and also include *PART 2*

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Titanic,

WTF??? You hit me first

Icebergs

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, it’s quite acceptable for a ginger kid to befriend a geek and a bitch

Rowling

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

Dear Canada,

f*ck you, go watch South Park

America

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Spiders,

Say whatever you want. At least she doesn’t eat me after orgasm. Good luck in your next f*ck

Boyfriend

Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,

At least I was born white.

Voldemort

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

Dear Jack,

Errrrr….no. Have you not seen the size of my ass?

Rose

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Little Triangle,

You’re just f*cking lucky that we’re on a hyundai

Windshield Wipers

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear god,

f*ck you, you liar, if you liked me then why you put me next to your anus

Saturn

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Colourblind,

Well done, now good luck at the lights

RUBIK

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

Ho ho ho, good one….now go back to your rehab, you whore

Santa

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Balls,

Exactly, We HATE you!!!

Faggots wearing skinny jeans

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Leonardo

Get real

Martin

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty

Dear bitches,

I’ll f*ck the fairy god mother too if it’s in the script.

Prince Charming

Edited 08/02/11 08:39 PM by xr6turbs

[HER-XRT]

Dear people who say they're a ninja when they catch things after dropping

them, Ninjas don't drop things.

Sincerely, a ninja

Dear Lady Gaga,

It's ok. I have a st-stuttering problem too.

Sincerely, P-p-p-porky the Pig

Dear old men at the gym,

Wearing short shorts does not make your manhood look any more attractive.

Sincerely, the world

Dear Peter Pan,

Sneaking around a child's bedroom and inviting them to neverland? Been

there, done that.

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear 16 and Pregnant,

Thanks for helping me feel better about my life.

Sincerely, 21 and single

Dear man in the car picking his nose,

Please realize that just because you are in your car doesn't mean you are

hidden from the world.

Sincerely, I can see you

Dear skin colored band aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, black people

Dear future employer,

Please ignore those Facebook photos from college. I can explain.

Sincerely, misbehaved

Dear optimist,

That's not a light at the end of the tunnel, that's the train. Sincerely,

pessimist

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear girls making kissy faces on Myspace and Facebook, There's a reason

we close our eyes when we kiss. Sincerely, boys.

Dear Cupcakes, The fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says a

lot about your self-esteem.

Sincerely, Muffins.

Dear Cat, Sorry for hoisting you into the air whenever 'The Circle of

Life' plays.

Sincerely, a Lion King enthusiast.

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed.

Dear Icebergs,Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,The Titanic

Dear Short People, No I don't play basketball, do you play miniature

golf?

Sincerely,Tall Person

Dear shower curtain,

Please never let there be a murderer behind you.

Sincerely,I look every time

Dear windscreen wipers,

Can't touch dis!

Sincerely, That little triangle

[Corzza]

Understanding Women

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Corzza]

A blonde lady motorist was close to Laingsburg when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Cape Town ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Tygerberg Zoo in Cape Town. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you R500 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the centre of Cape Town when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you R500 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to the Aquarium!"