Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Top this for a speeding ticket...

Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 800Kph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a Williamtown FA-18 fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison officer at Williamtown.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Thank you for your enquiry.”

[Guest XR09]

shame the pilot wasn't texting his girfriend at the time.

[Buf-Phoon]

You know we're going badly when the Poms start recycling the jokes we've made about them for years

Good to see the Aussies in fancy dress on the 4th and 5th days of the tests… dressed as plastic seats.

Clarke wanted to captain the Australians very badly. And now he has done that.

Breaking News.....The ICC are investigating worrying reports of irregular betting patterns during the 5th Test at Sydney. Some people backed Australia

Australia still has world class spinners. There's the redback, the funnel web...

+++

Which Aussie cricket spent the most time at the crease? Whoever ironed the cricket whites

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any openers

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? Retired

What do you call an Aussie holding a six inch urn above his head? The England bowling coach

What is the definaition of optimism? An Aussie batsman with suncream on

How do you help an Aussie Cricket getting 100 runs by his name? Give him the ball to bowl

What does the Aussie wicketkeeper and Michael Jackson have in common? They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

[matt036]

Not to intrude on your post but here's a couple more I thought were amusing;

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Australian Innings.

Whats the difference between Ricky Ponting and a Phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

On his way out to the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and team mate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to bat. His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"

[Guest XR09]

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Corzza]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[Corzza]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[Corzza]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started

looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red

wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in

steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak

barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you

don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!"

The man was hired on the spot!!!!

[Corzza]

Check this out, a modern topic variation on the Two Ronnies (but now only one of them)

[Corzza]

Recently, NT Police received an email from a resident through the feedback

area on the NTPFES Website titled "Community Policing."

The resident posed the following question;

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually

harass people and get away with it?"

In response a Sergeant from Palmy replied:

First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In the Palmerston and

rural area we average one cop for every 750 people. Only about 60% of those

cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "general patrols")

where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the

day to day innocents. At any given moment only one-fifth of the 60% general

patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are

off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6,000

residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract

people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop

is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day. Now, your average

eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two thirds of a

second to harass a person, and then only another 1/3 of a second to drink a

Paul's Iced Coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy

task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day

out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us

narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on

a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a

code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some

special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a

house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like

to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's

licences and the like. Its lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for

nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really

heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are

drunk, or have an outstanding FINS warrant on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer.

Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the

scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do,

there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.

They are called "Statutes". These include the Criminal Code, Summary

Offences Act, Traffic Act and a whole bunch of others ... They all spell out

all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you

read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone

violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw

a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says

that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We

seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with

it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the

streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people. Next time

you are in Palmerston give me the old "single finger wave." That's another

one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our

favourites. "