Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:

"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."

John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.

'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "

"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."

The widow screams and faints.

"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:

"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."

[Corzza]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Corzza]

FROM THE FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT

Julia is the shepherd I did not want.

She leadeth me beside the still factories.

She restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.

She guideth me in the path of unemployment for her party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger for her bailouts are with me.

She has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will live in a rented home forever.

I am glad I am Australian.

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog

And Julia a tree!

[Corzza]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on

this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for

six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,

light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the

swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and

fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[Corzza]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"

"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

[Corzza]

On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia,

addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia ...

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque

inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade,

waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came

to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird

so full of **** that it can no longer fly.

[Corzza]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"

[Corzza]

HR

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. I.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours I.e . 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise

that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

[Corzza]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal examination.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.

While waiting, I observed that there were three items on a stand Next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,

A rubber glove

And a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,

"Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam.

I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but what is the BEER is for?

At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse ........

"Darn it Evelyn!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

[Corzza]

A plane is descending rapidly from the air, and the passengers are all scared stiff.

Suddenly a women near the front of the plane stands up and takes off her shirt. She proceeds to yell, "Is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?!"

She continues to yell this for about ten minutes before a man in the very back takes a stand. He proceeds to say "Yeah I can make you feel like a woman."

He then takes off his shirt and throws it towards her and says, "Here! Iron this!"