Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

[Corzza]

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."

The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

[Corzza]

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

[Corzza]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."

[Corzza]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great; I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[Corzza]

This explains why I felt like a genius about 4pm, a scholar by 10pm and "Einstein" by 2am.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept expalined any betterthan this (quote from old TV fave "Cheers"):

"Well, you see Norm, it's like this...a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group

keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brains cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first, making the brain faster and a more efficient machine.

And that Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Now that explains why I felt like a genius about 4pm, a scholar by 10pm and "Einstein" by 2am.

[Corzza]

AA stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

- 'What would you like to talk about?'

- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,

- 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the blonde replies,

- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?'

[Corzza]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Corzza]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home

to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu

that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the

only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also

advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around

the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last

opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate

suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,

"those Aussie b#stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[Corzza]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed

for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien

addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to

your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at

the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,

there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his

ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do

not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to

do that! I really don't think you should make him mad. 'Rubbish,' replied

the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew

the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about

200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he re focused

his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the

older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near

killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend

and replied, ' If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic

travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen*s over his

shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'