Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that pensioners are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the pensioner would like to play a fun game.

The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the pensioner's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The pensioner doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-Dollar note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the pensioner's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the pensioner and hands him $500.00. The pensioner pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the pensioner up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Corzza]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating,

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

[Never had any say Panda]

so there was this kid, and he was a senior in high school, and he had just asked his crush to prom and she had said yes so he was pretty dang excited.

so first things first, he went to the school office to buy the prom tickets, but man the line was so so long, but whatever he really needed those tickets because this was his big chance with his crush and all, so he waited in the line and finally got the tickets.

next he needed to rent his tux, so he went to his dad and asked to borrow some money to rent a nice one, and his dad gave him the money and offered to drive him to the tux shop. so they pulled up at the shop, but since prom was so close and all, there was a huge line stretching all the way out the door and around the corner. and the guy was pretty bummed, because he’d had to wait in a damn long line earlier, but this was for prom and all, and he’d already bought the tickets, so he figured in for a penny in for a pound.

the tux extravaganza took the rest of the day, so it was the next morning before he made it to the flower shop. he was getting pretty nervous, because it was two days before the actual prom and he needed to really get a move on. you can imagine his dismay when he got to the shop and saw yet another impossibly long line, people crowded shoulder to shoulder inside the shop and milling about in a large group outside, the harried florist inside calling out numbers. so the guy gathered up all of his patience and took a number, and after an hour or two he finally got to the front of the line and got his flowers.

on prom night, the guy excitedly put the prom tickets in his wallet, donned his tux, and prepared to present his lovely date with the corsage he had picked out. they went through the pre-prom ritual of pictures and getting poked in the chest with the pin, giddy moms and proud dads, and finally they climbed into the rented limo and headed off to prom.

they pulled up to the hotel convention center where prom was being held, and lo and behold, the line of students stretched out the door and through the parking lot. his date sighed and the guy laughed nervously, eager to keep her occupied and entertained during the long wait.

once inside, they had a grand old time. at first the guy was a little nervous, so they just sat to one side, talking and laughing and getting to know each other. then a song came on, and the girl leapt up and exclaimed “I love this song! this is my song! we have to dance!” so she dragged him onto the dance floor and commenced wiggling. he felt a little awkward at first but soon got into the groove, jiving and grooving along to the beat.

4 or 5 songs later, they were both a little winded and out of breath, so the guy and his date returned to the table where they had been sitting to rest. the girl expressed her thirst, so the guy offered to go fetch them both some punch. he headed over to the refreshment table to find that there was no punch line.

[BigAl's04]

Fkr. Gimme my 2 mins back.

[Corzza]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives

off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed

it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey

just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything

in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey

ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He

ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The

Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it

up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled

it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey

just did?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,

pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had sh!t out that cue ball,

he measures everything first."

[Corzza]

I have sex daily.

I mean Dyslexia!

*beep*!!!

[Corzza]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,鈥?I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[timmy]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worr

ied and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem,

their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

[nick d]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I

know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your

pen*s

is as hard as your elbow,

I

'm in room 221.'

[UBA]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped c...onvict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"