Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple.. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently .

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, .......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Corzza]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[Corzza]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

[Corzza]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary

surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet

pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and

sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean

you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the

room. He returned a few minutes later with a black

Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the

vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out

of the room. A few minutes later he returned with

a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,

but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,

a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys

and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my

word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the

Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Corzza]

A small Church had a very attractive, big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper Church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this, or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said ....

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday!”

[Corzza]

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.

She said, “The sky is definately blue!”

“I’m sorry Suzy that's wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?”

Timmy raised his hand and said, “The grass is definately green.”

“I’m sorry Timmy that’s not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?”

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Teacher do farts have lumps?”

The teacher says, “no why?”

Johnny says, “Then I definately Sh#t my pants

[Corzza]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Goodness, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[Corzza]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the XR5.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the XR5."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Corzza]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

“As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room.”What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I'm not sure; maybe she choked.”

[Corzza]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman