Joke Of The Day

[Ciaran]

Didn't read that one Tabby lol

[Danxr]

I rear ended this car yesterday. A gorgeous blonde got out & yelled "Ram me up the arse why don't you? This, your Honour, is where the confusion started."

[Danxr]

a man was found with 6 plastic horses up his arse when he was hospitalised the doctors said his condition was stable..

[Danxr]

My Favourite Puns...

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said 'Keep off the Grass.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired

What’s the definition of a will? pssst (It’s a dead give away)

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I've lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I'm positive

[Danxr]

Similar to the wooden horse...wooden sh*t.

Same to the wooden car, wooden go

[Corzza]

One night Little Johnny was really scared

sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints

out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent

and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you

tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy

lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher

replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks

"Miss can I please play with your belly

button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny

again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the

teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY

BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger

either".

[Corzza]

One day his dad gets a new job so his

family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start

on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son

Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow

but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep

an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and

hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi,

my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten

dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his

little gambling problem so she takes him up

on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him

her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells

his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher

and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says,

"Johnny said that he bet you that you had a

mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke

his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you

didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this

morning that he'd see your ass before the

day was over."

[Corzza]

^{A janitor is cleaning the church, when}

^{suddenly the priest runs out if the}

^{confession booth.}

^{He bumps into the janitor and tells him to}

^{cover for him because he had run to the}

^bathroom.

^{Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he}

^{doesn't know anything about confessions.}

^{The priest hands him a sheet of paper and}

^{tells him to find the sin on the list and it will}

^{tell you how many Hail Mary's to give.}

^{So the janotir goes in and then a lady goes}

^{in for her confession.}

^{She says,"}I^{'m cheating on my husband." The}

^{janitor thinks, says it's adultery and looks it}

^{up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's}

^{The lady says, "That's not all,} I ^{also slept}

^{with him." The janitor thinks again, says it's}

^{adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll}

^{be two more Hail Mary's.}

^{Then she says, "}I ^{also gave him a ***."}

^{The janitor looks on the paper and can't}

^{find the word "***".}

^{He gets nervous and runs out of the booth}

^{looking for help. He finally reaches a little}

^{alter boy and asks him, "What does the}

^{priest usually give for a ***?" The little}

^{alter boy looks at him and says, "Two}

^candy's"

[Corzza]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results..'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Corzza]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of

your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will

give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years

and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do

tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life

span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time

to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field

with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give

milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span

of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty

years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and

enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my

twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the

ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy

ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our

family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the

grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and

bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as

a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.