Joke Of The Day

[pkooistra]

My wife said to me last night "It's like you treat our relationship like some kind of game!"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

[Panda Eyes]

two pools of vomit are walking along the road, and one starts to cry. "whats wrong" asks the other

the first one sobs: "this is where I was brought up"

two VD germs are walking up the road when suddenly a truck barrels over the hill towards them.

one says to the other: "uh oh, we're a gonorrhea"

[Corzza]

Jewish Wedding...

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

[freeze_dk]

This thread turns a 5 min poo into a 45 min poo and numb legs

[Guest XR09]

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.

Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[Corzza]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now remove my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it.....constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!"

[Corzza]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, no.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[Corzza]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[Corzza]

So this guy is sitting at the bar, minding his own business and just having a drink. Suddenly, this guy comes and sits down next to him and pulls out this mini piano with a piano stool and sets them both on top of the bar. He then pulls out a little man about 12 inches tall and sets him down next to the piano. The little man then sits at the stool and begins to play, the most amazing stuff ever. Effing Chopin, Beethoven, Rachmaninov, you name it.

So the first guy turns to the other guy and says to him, "where on earth did you find this lot?"

So the second guy turns to him and says, "Well I was walking around the Sahara desert the other day, and I came across a lamp! I thought I'd rub it and lo and behold a Genie appeared! He said to me he'd give me one wish and, well, there it is (pointing at the little man)".

The first guy said, "That's incredible! Do you still have the lamp!?"

"Yes, here we go, try it yourself!"

So the first guy takes the lamp and rubs it. And, out pops the genie again! He offers the man one wish and the man said, "I want a million bucks!". The genie said, "It's DONE!"

After a short while, the two men were still sitting at the bar. Suddenly a duck walks into the bar. The 2 men look pretty confused but think to themselves, well, stranger things have happened... Then after another short while, 10 more ducks walk into the bar. And then 10,000 ducks. The 2 men were so confused and couldn't quite work out what was going on. Then, after another short while, there were a million ducks in the bar!

So the first guy turns to the second guy and says, "Dude, do you think maybe this genie has a hearing problem! I didn't ask for a million ducks, I asked for a million bucks!"

So the second guy looks at the first guy and says, "Well, do you REALLY think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!?"

[Panda Eyes]

there should be a 'I dont like' button....