Joke Of The Day

[JB]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the pen*s to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,

"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his pen*s.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

[JB]

Guy is in a bar and strikes up a conversation with a dumb blond.

"I'm curious, do you smoke after making love?" he asks.

She replies, "I dunno.....I've never looked"

[Blown BA]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, I'm over here, on your swing."

[Blown BA]

INTERVIEW QUESTION

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

***************************************************

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, you can never predict the answer of the candidate...

such as...

"To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for a drink."

[Blown BA]

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, "Teacher,

can my mother get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

The little girl says, "Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get

pregnant."

The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and

says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

[Blown BA]

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

So he waits...

They are engaged for three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom and says, "I have bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our forst time to be all bloody!" John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer." Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. "There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"

[Blown BA]

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is...having friends.

At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is...having sex.

At age 35, success is...having money.

At age 50, success is...having money.

At age 60, success is...having sex.

At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is...having friends.

At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

[Blown BA]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches & says. "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out..."I'll be damned ----- my girlfriend's gone, too!!!"

[Dagabond]

Summer Seminars For Women

Once again, the male staff at the University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behavior:

EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's

EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)

EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company

EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:

GE101: You, The Whining Sex

GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:

HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too

HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

HE106: How To Close The Garage Door

HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity

HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet DoYou Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"

IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:

LS101: Combating The Impulse To Nag

LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Chldren So You Could Have Someone Else To Boss Around

LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack

LS110: Dress Like A *beep* And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain

LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause

LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:

SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man

SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes

SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom

SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often

SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"

SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month"

(formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")

SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

[Dagabond]

100 best parts of being male

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. You go straight to checking out the goods, instead of looking for things like a wedding ring on her finger.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. You don't have to shave below your neck.

35. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president. ( In this lifetime).

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't exist in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your

lover's about to leave you.

62. You get to jump and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time!

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to

look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this

one's just too skeevy

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69. Same work.....more pay!

70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency

crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress: $2,000; Tuxedo rental: $75.

73. You don't care if someone's talking behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's

population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's SportCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers!!

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he

won't tell your other friend you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "f*ck it."

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,

you just might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're

not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with

a hammer or throw it across the wall.

94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:

"So...notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. There's always a game on somewhere.