Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Driving test question

Oh sh*t yehhh

[siccar]

You could bounce coins off that thing.....

Edited 06/07/04 10:02 AM by siccar

[XR6_ED]

Scientific Proof

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over

100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get

you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

[JB]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes w ith the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

[Blown BA]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

[Blown BA]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[ZAP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped

her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently

wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was

becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she

took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man

couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your

nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare

condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've

never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

[Guest Ramm Chandra]

There once was a young indian named rammi

who went in to a bar for a shandi

he wiped off the froth with his loin cloth

and the barman said

"jeez that's handy"

ramm

[JB]

A flatlander walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The flatlander is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the flatlander says, "What's that noise?"

[JB]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were

pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."