Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

The Dump List

Note:It's a bloody long one better print it and go take a dump......

The Perfect Dump -

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump -

Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump-

Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump -

Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump -

In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it wheresoldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump -

This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump -

You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump -

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump -

You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caesarian Dump -

Pain, that's what this dump and chldbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump -

Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Chldbirth Dump -

This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream Call an Obstetrician Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump -

The phrase "sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump -

You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump -

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: Flush the toilet Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump -

You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump -

For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump -

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump -

You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump -

Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a sh*t in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump -

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump -

No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump -

You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.

The Encore Dump -

Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump -

This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like chldbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

[Dagabond]

The drinkers alphabet

A - Alcohol: The key to surviving college.

B - Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging.

C - Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.

D - Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.

E - Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 19 in your drinking party.

F - f*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.

G - Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, quarters, and chugging beers.

H - Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.

I - Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party.

J - Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to either use a fake ID or stagger home.

K - Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.

L - Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.

M - Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.

N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.

O - Officer: Person usually responsible for ending any party, tending to show up most often at parties where no one is 19.

P - Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer.

Q - Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning (YUCK!)

R - Reform: What you promise God you will do while you're puking in the toilet.

S - Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.

T - Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk.

U - Underage: Most of the drinking population at any given college.

V - Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour.

W - Worm: The part of tequila that reminds you of biology class tomorrow.

X - X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.

Y - Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.

Z - Zoned: Your condition for the next 12 hours following drinking.

[Dagabond]

We may have been here before not goin back to check....

Simple Rules Chick's Don't Know.

Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Don't make us guess. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

Pub conversations usually involve sport, cars or the latest computer game and not women, except a passing mention to the office babe with big *beep*/tanned legs/pert butt.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Share the bathroom. Share the closet.

Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Construction of St. Paul's Cathedral, The Golden Gate bridge and the Sydney Opera House are simple every-day tasks, washing and ironing are more difficult.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Taking things apart is easy, putting them back together however takes longer and there's bound to be something left over at the end.

Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're boundto miss sometime.

Check your own oil.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, shotgun formation and carburettors.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like a Baywatch babe, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.

Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning.

[Blown BA]

The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Yes Sheriff."

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some really chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' them."

[Blown BA]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[Blown BA]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some as*hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

“Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No sh*t??? Who did she play for?"

[Blown BA]

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

[Blown BA]

Two explorers were deep in a South American jungle known for a reclusive band of dangerous Cannibals. Many explorers had tried to study this reclusive tribe, but very few had returned with any real information.

Suddenly one night, they were captured by members of this dangerous tribe. They were beaten, stripped of their clothes and tied to stakes for three days.

Finally, they were brought before the tribal elders. Surprisingly, the tribal elders spoke English...

They had learned from those captured before. The tribal elders explained that is was a crime to trespass on their land. It was explained that a white man had once brought disease that killed 90% of the tribe. Now all outsiders were condemned to one of two sentences: Death or at least Qxapoiu.

The first explorer was made to stand... The tribal chief demanded "Which shall it be: Death or Qxapoiu?" The explorer didn't know what Qxapoiu was, but decided that it must be better than death. He chose Qxapoiu.

The second explorer watched in horror as the ceremony of Qxapoiu was carried out. First, tiny cuts were made all over the explorers body and he was then dipped in a huge vat of vinegar... He was then forced to eat live maggots... One torture after another quickly proceeded... All of the other tortures were so vile, disgusting, and painful that they can not be described here, but the explorer lived.

The second explorer was so horrified that when it came his turn and the tribal chief demanded "Death or Qxapoiu" that he answered "Death." As everyone gasped, the tribal chief said "Very well; Death by Qxapoiu!"

[ZAP]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled

up beside him and its window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of

lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.?

"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the driver asked.

"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.?

"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver,

still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.?

"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies,"the driver offered.

"No!" screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver

in a long

sigh.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you

live with

it!"?

[Falchoon]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila.