Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Administratum

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons, ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are held together by a force which involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert. Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. One experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of approximately six months. After this time, it does not actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate around large corporations, research laboratories and government departments. It can especially be found in recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Numerous attempts have been made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising

[Dagabond]

Corporate Lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be chldless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

[Dagabond]

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a

Kangaroo and the Emu to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the

government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next

generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of

security while you're actually being screwed.

[scooter]

Try this - for all the Blondes out there :Approx 1.1M

"Blonde Help"

Are people out there this stupid

[stardust]

What do you get when you cross a bikie with a mormon ??

Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to F$%# off

and one to add to an earlier post

holden------ Hold Onto Little Dick Every Night

Edited 18/07/04 09:31 AM by stardust

[Blown BA]

An Irish woman "of a certain age," visited her physician to ask his

help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He

won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me

know how things went."

It wasn't a week later, but what she rang up the doctor, who

directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

'Twashorrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?

The effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up,

with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With

one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped

me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,

passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not

good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've

had in 25 years...

But... I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Blown BA]

A lawyer was getting out of his beloved BMW when a car came speeding along and ripped the door of the car.

When the police arrived the irate man was jumping up and down and screaming about his Beemers door being mangled. The officer gets out and says you lawyers are so materialistic, you really kill me, you are so mad about the car being damaged that you didn't even notice that your arm has been ripped off too.

The lawyer looks down at his bloody stump and says oh my God where is my Rolex.

[Blown BA]

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and came out in a few minutes carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.....and there on the couch I sat.......................naked!!!!!

[Falchoon]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete" the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well" says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre" said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

[KEN 24T]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete" the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well" says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre" said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

:banghead2: ... oh Steggels, how could you ...