Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

The ventriloquist

A talented cowboy ventriloquist walks into a western town and sees an Indian sitting on the porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...

Cowboy: "Hey, ya gotta cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" [pointing at Indian]

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" [pointing at Indian]

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect

me from the elements."

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[Blown BA]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[Blown BA]

Q: What's red and goes up and down?

A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?

A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?

A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?

A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?

A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?

A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?

A: The letter "g".

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?

A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?

A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?

A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?

A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?

A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?

A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?

A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?

A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?

A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?

A: I've got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?

A: Because her horns don't work.

[Blown BA]

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[JB]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes,

Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well

tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia

Kelly?" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy

Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads," says

Tommy.

[turbotom]

another

  owned_cat.jpg

I love the whooshing sound when I do that! :lol:

[Blown BA]

The Rookie Cop...

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...

"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

[Blown BA]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the pen*s.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the pen*s," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience

of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good.

Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[Blown BA]

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo *beep*? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a *beep* dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a *beep* with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the *beep* vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough *beep* bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a *beep* won't.

15. What do you call *beep* twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a *beep* is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a *beep*? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

[stardust]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.