Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 23y 10m 9d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 15/08/04 04:11 PM Posted 15/08/04 04:11 PM The biggest liesThe check is in the mail.I'll respect you in the morning.I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.It's only a cold sore.You get this one, I'll pay next time.My wife doesn't understand me.Trust me, I'll take care of everything.Of course I love you.I am getting a divorce.Drinking? Why, no, Officer.I never inhaled.It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.I never watch television except for PBS...but we can still be good friends.She means nothing to me.Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."I gave at the office.Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.I'll call you later.We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.Read my lips: no new taxesI've never done anything like this beforeNow, I'm going to tell you the truthIt's supposed to make that noise.I *love* your new {hat/haircut/dress/suit...}!..then take a left. You can't miss it.Yes, I did.Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 23y 10m 9d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 15/08/04 04:14 PM Posted 15/08/04 04:14 PM Drinkers problem guide*Symptom*Probable Cause*SolutionDrinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wetMouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of faceTake a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique is perfectDrinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually paleGlass emptyFind someone who'll buy you another beerFeet cold and wetGlass being held at incorrect angleHold glass such that open end points toward ceilingFeet warm and wetLoss of self controlMove to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training;demand beer in compensationBar hazy and out of focusYou are looking through the bottom of your empty glassFind someone who'll buy you another beerBar swayingUnusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts matchInsert broom handle down back of shirtBar movingYou are being carried outFind out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijackedYou notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across itYou have fallen over backwardsIf no one is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the barEverything has become dim.Your nose & lips are bleedingYou have fallen over forwards Same as for falling over backwardsEverything has gone dark and quietThe bar is closingPANIC!!!!
Macktheknife Xtreme Xalted Member Legacy Donating Member 3,112 Member For: 23y 4m 17d Gender: Male Location: BrisVegas Posted 16/08/04 12:12 AM Posted 16/08/04 12:12 AM The biggest lies Ya missed one Dags....Promise I wont c-m in your mouth.I'm in trouble now.........
KEN 24T Gandalf the Grey, Maiar of Manwë and Varda, Team HgAg/Sneaky Member 7,371 Member For: 23y 2m 24d Gender: Male Location: The Shire, Middle Earth Posted 16/08/04 12:16 AM Posted 16/08/04 12:16 AM The biggest liesYa missed one Dags....Promise I wont c-m in your mouth.I'm in trouble now.........
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 14d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 16/08/04 07:32 AM Posted 16/08/04 07:32 AM An elderly couple were driving across the country.The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"The woman gave the officer her license.The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 14d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 16/08/04 07:33 AM Posted 16/08/04 07:33 AM A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 14d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 16/08/04 07:33 AM Posted 16/08/04 07:33 AM New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hardto estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.I will think of a password other than "password."I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Guest FatBAt Guests Posted 16/08/04 09:14 AM Posted 16/08/04 09:14 AM Women...(1)He says to his wife "why don't we swap positions tonight" She says "sure...you stand behind the iron board while I sit on the lounge and fart.(2)He said..."Ever since I met you I wanted to make love to you real bad" She said..."Well you've succeeded"
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 14d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 17/08/04 07:10 AM Posted 17/08/04 07:10 AM How to shower like a womanTake off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according towhites and coloureds.Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to domoresit-ups.Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumicestone.Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with naturalavocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushedapricotfacial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.Shave armpits and legs.Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mouldspotswith Tilex.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hairinsuper absorbent towel.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If youseehusband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
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