Joke Of The Day

[turbotom]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Could visualise the trunk pushing the bread roll up..... :lol:

Not a pretty sight. :lol:

[Blown BA]

A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.

The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.

To which the boy replies "GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE"!!!!

[Blown BA]

Why do men masturbate?

Because they want to have sex with someone they love.

[Blown BA]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

[Dagabond]

The private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but hestill keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bas*ard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*ck himself and he did.

Day 16

The bas*ard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[Blown BA]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, huh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[Blown BA]

An airplane captain radios his passengers and says "We have lost all engines

and are going to crash so if there are any last things you want to do, do them

now! A woman jumps up from her seat, rips of her clothes, and yells I've never had a real man make me feel like a woman. A man jumps up ripping of his shirt and says to the woman "Here, Iron This!!!!!

[Blown BA]

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years." She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion". "OK" he says, "you're ugly as well!"

[stardust]

Tony the fisherman is out in the bay and his boat hits a rock and starts to sink

Tony gets on the radio for help

Tony "Mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a sinking im a gonna drown mayday mayday"

Nothing is heard on the radio

Tony "Mayday mayday help me this is tony the fisherman im a sinking help me help me"

Water gets up to his neck and tony is starting to panic

Tony "Mayday mayday this is tony the fisherman im a drowning mayday mayday"

Next second Tony heres a reply from the coast guard

Coastguard "Hello tony the fisherman we have recieved your message and we are sending out our fokker friendship"

Tony " Hey a coastguard I dont wanna your fokker friendship I want your fokker help"

[Blown BA]

Q: What's the difference between a *beep* and a b**ch?

A: A *beep* sleeps with everyone at the party.

A b**ch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.