Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...

"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

[Blown BA]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breas*s and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bas*ard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

[Blown BA]

My love for you... it came and went.

So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes

Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,

Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection

But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;

So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,

I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look

You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.

But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.

Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,

Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

[Blown BA]

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden.

(It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."

Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.

Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."

[Blown BA]

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

[Guest]

Tom wants to get banned :lol: and so he should for that 

Ah, the voice of experience ...

Kent; the voice of experience is here,looking looking and have been and seen alot :lol:

[Cro]

WB vik, and ramm, and hoot, and I'm sure a couple of others :lol:

[Guest]

WB vik, and ramm, and hoot, and I'm sure a couple of others :lol:

Achu bratko, skoll skoll

vik

[Blown BA]

WB vik, and ramm, and hoot, and I'm sure a couple of others :lol:

Achu bratko, skoll skoll

vik

Does that mean up your KOLO :lol:

[KEN 24T]

Kent; the voice of experience is here,looking looking and have been and seen alot :lol:   

I've always suspected you were a great bunch of blokes ...