Joke Of The Day

[Guest]

I wish youd leave the cork in the bottle

Anyway ,reminds me of a joke

These two nurses are on night shift and a bloke dies in the night with a huge horn

The two didnt know what to do,the matron said just get him outa here

They pushed the bed in to the closed laundry room

One of them said "why dont we give him a last ride"

And she promptly dropped her dacks and started on the old fella

She said to her mate,"this is fantastic,you have a go"

"I cant, Ive got the flags out"

"that wont matter ,hes dead"

So the nurse pulls her plug,gives the stiff a good ride

As they are tidying up and about to leave,somebody coughed

The look around and it was the dead man,he was breathing again,he sat up in bed

Then he looked at the nurses and said " Ah,that was just what I needed,

A blood transfusion.

vik

[Dagabond]

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2004

AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'blackbox'.

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

BEAVER LEAVER

A homosexual (male)

BEER COAT

The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BEER SCOOTER

The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE

Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG

The female erection.

BUNNY-BOILER

An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. " I don't like the look of that

aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".

COCK-A-DOODLE-POO

The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

DOUBLE BASS

A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both her nipples simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

FREE THE TADPOLES

Liberate the residents of the Wank Tanks.

FRIGMAROLE

Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

F***sh*tF***sh*tF***sh*t

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GOING FOR A Mcsh*t

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is called a "Mcsh*t With Lies".

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT

A vigorous masturbation session.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

McSPLURRY

The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f***-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go "Oo! Ool Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MUMBLER

An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)

Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-pinter.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming slang for "Stella" (the lager).

ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE

The need to defecate imminently.

PEARL HARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

PICASSO ARSE

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

RAGMAN'S COAT

Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit, but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat!"

RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE

To defecate e.g. "I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SKIN-CHIMNEY -

see BADLY PACKED KEBAB

SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM

A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT

A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL or b**ch PISS

Bottled Alcopops, e.g Hooch, regularly consumed by young woman.

TEN-PINTER

Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10

pints.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down the first time out.

TODGER DODGER

A *beep*.

X-PILES

Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

[Blown BA]

Highbrow Genital Jokes

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!

My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!

If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.

My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire *beep* population of Sarah Lawrence University!

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."

My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!

So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University’s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.

[Blown BA]

Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[Blown BA]

String in the Pants = Clean Hands

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half way through, he dropped his spoon .When the waiter came around to see if everything was ok, the man told him he needed a new spoon. So the waiter pulled one out if his pouch. The man asked, "I was just wondering, why do you keep spoons in your pouch?"

The waiter answered, "To save time."

So the man went on eating his soup. After about 15 minutes, the waiter came by to see if everything was ok. The man said everything was delicious. He noticed that a string was hanging out of the waiters pants, so he asked, "I was just wondering, why do you have a string hanging out of your zipper?"

The waiter answered, "It saves time so that we don't have to wash our hands."

Then the man asked, "But don't you have to touch the doorknob to the bathroom?"

The waiter said, "I dont know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon ."

[JB]

The Cop

Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".

The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that as*hole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

[JB]

My Dear Wife

FAX: To My Dear Wife,

"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

"As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow".

[JB]

Condom Slogans:

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

[JB]

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's *beep* from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called

to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Blown BA]

Upside Down Blonde

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.