Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breas*s and frame it ."

The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your pen*s and enlarge it."

[Blown BA]

A little boy wrote to Santa ...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

[Blown BA]

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

[Blown BA]

People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem

Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw

Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies

For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon

For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates

For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim

For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared

Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez

Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy

Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo

Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

[Blown BA]

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

[pym]

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

[pym]

Dead Mama

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[Blown BA]

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

[Blown BA]

Pay the Price

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

[Blown BA]

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''