Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a b**ch!”

[Blown BA]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[Blown BA]

Boss, Can I take the day off?

Let's take a look at what you are asking for....

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!!!

[Blown BA]

Dear Napisan,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since

the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better. In

fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My

unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was

and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white

blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it

just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped

and got a bottle of Napisan Oxywash with bleach alternative, and to my

surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by

yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and then my lawyer said

that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go, I

have to write a letter to the Glad Bag

people.

Signed,

Relieved Menopausal Wife (Widow)

[XR6_ED]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is

one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[JB]

What makes 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A T T I T U D E

1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B U L L S H I T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullsh*t and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[JB]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[JB]

This is GOLD!

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink pen*s.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the

sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink pen*s reflects the cultural and sociological

oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[JB]

:Questions and answers about women

Q. Why did God give men penises?

A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?

A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?

A. They both irritate the sh*t out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?

A. It's Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have ?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?

A. Ten minutes of silence.

[Blown BA]

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?

Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...

"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"