Joke Of The Day

[gassit]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny. 

George,

you crack me up

Steve

[turbotom]

For sale:

Palm Pilot[

[KittyKatSmack]

THE LIAR CLOCK!

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall

of clocks behind him.

He asked "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?"

St Peter responded, "That's Kim Beazley's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Beazley told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.

"Howard's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan."

boom boom

(in no way am I advocating any political party or preferences by posting this joke)

[GT-P 390]

Cowboy boots

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

>>Bessie looks him over "Nope". Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".

Furious, Ray yells "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat"

[phantomchic]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she

would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your

sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.

[TRY29T]

If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me know

and we'll send someone right over to check your pulse.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting

loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off

because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and

that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was

concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one

Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he

was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put

the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts

and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went

upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back

the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his

underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she

had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit

her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts

out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline

and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

GC

[XR6TT]

ahh jeez

[XR6TT]

lol

[phantomchic]

If you need a laugh, then read through these children's Science Exam answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All

water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[phantomchic]

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I

heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On

the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself

for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. And why not, darling?

You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama,

look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"