Joke Of The Day

[Ralph Wiggum]

.........................

Your jokes aren't funny. They are juvenile and mildy offensive. Post any shit like that again and you'll get a week.

[pkooistra]

Hey Ralph, I don't understand.

My first "juvenile & mildly offensive" joke about beastiality, you don't remove & just ask if I'm a Queenslander.

But my second "juvenile & mildly offensive" joke about homosexuals prompted you to delete them both and tell me that they were juvenile and offensive...... Did I hit a nerve?

[Ralph Wiggum]

I gave you the benefit of the doubt on the first one. Second one took it to far.

[rbjet]

I have so many offensive jokes I would love to post of in here but can't for the fear of getting banned.

[sexual harrassment panda]

RIP VOT

[STAINLESS again plz]

I like short jokes.

Like I Like my pen*s's

[Corzza]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.”

[Corzza]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for

answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,

"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck

and his scr*tum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors

didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine

the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused

him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it

turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scr*tum,

and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they

imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the

hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scr*tum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if

anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Corzza]

PROSTATE EXAM

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

The old guy obeys and says,

"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your pen*s

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!

[Corzza]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the

husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she

explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning

on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and

demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the

druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This

morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went

without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I

didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to

break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a

speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat

tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting

for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these

people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then

I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to

make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my

hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -

when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made

me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on

it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still

ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was

your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,

Mister, I TOLD HER!"