Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Love the Irish

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[Rossnall]

Google Nigeria

[Guest XR09]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his

sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Se

.

x with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free se

.

x. The

owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed

correctly, he would get his free se

.

x. Paddy guessed 8, and the

proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No s

.

ex

this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for

another fill-up. Again he asked for his free s

.

ex. The proprietor

again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct

number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were

close, but no free se

.

x this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, '

I

think that game

is rigged and he doesn't really give away free se

.

x at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough

Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

[sexual harrassment panda]

[Guest XR09]

A boy comes home from school at 7 pm, His dad says "where were you?”

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were revising."

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

[Corzza]

Dear Friends,

I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8 )How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

Ø A Diego Mara donna - a nasty 5 footer

Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution

Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin

Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

Ø A Rodney King - over- clubbed

Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

Ø A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

Ø A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

Ø A sister-in-law - up there but I know I shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.....

Edited 21/05/12 09:55 PM by Corzza

[adie]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, poop!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the dustbin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[sexual harrassment panda]

[Corzza]

The Dark Side Of Women..............................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding

the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in

the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent

when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been

in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and

that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was

leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.. She

decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip

with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of

the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the

hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's

condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and

finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your

husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well

you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last

shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require

round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[Guest XR09]

MY NEW GOLF BOOK

I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite proud

of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and

family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider

information that I have gained through my 40+ years of experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a

Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter cool How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS

* A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

* A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer

* A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

* A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

* A Cuban - needs one more revolution

* An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

* An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

* A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

* A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect

* A Kate Moss - bit thin

* A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

* A Rodney King - over-clubbed

* An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

* A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

* A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

* A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

* An elephant's arse - high and sh*tty

* A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

* A circus tent - a BIG top

* A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you

don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my

expertise . .

It would be greatly appreciated if you could affix this promo to your club

noticeboard