Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A young fellow ran into an old man who

was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite

two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him

to try it out. The boy took a bite and said

that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it

over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said

that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that

they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something

else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat ***." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told

him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his

mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like crap".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said,

"Turn it over."

[Corzza]

Paddy was walking through a town one

day when he saw a shop with a notice in the

window. The notice said "We sell

everything". Paddy could not believe this so

he went inside. He walked to the counter

and asked the salesperson, "Do you really

sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes,

everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true

Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper

for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A

jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to

check the stock out the back". Five minutes

later, the salesperson returned with a

brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper

for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken -

excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as

happy as larry. When he got outside he

thought to himself that maybe he was done,

so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom

of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the

shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I

asked you for a jumper for a chicken and

you have given me a condom - whats going

on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I

checked in the back and we seem to be all

out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was

a pullover for a cock."

[Corzza]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Queensland & NSW, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Expensive Daewoo every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and **** lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking His head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '(moderated) him'.

[Ralph Wiggum]

Corzza, can I please formally request more one liners? The internet has ruined my attention span

[Ciaran]

^^^^^^^^^^

This!

First Michael Jackson, then Neil Armstrong.....

God must have something against moonwalkers.

[PookeyMaster]

Well, I like the two he posted above, their length was OK. There was an Irish one a page back I think that went on and on though.

[Corzza]

I will do my best Ralph

[Corzza]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[Corzza]

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, 'Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?'

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, 'Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

[Danxr]

I just heard on the news someone checked into the psych ward wearing a thong and rooting a goat. Ill come get u this time but this sh*t has to stop!