Joke Of The Day

[dre]

the same joke is a few posts up^^^^

[Corzza]

Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my friends...

[pkooistra]

Seen in local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.

45 Volumes. Excellent condition.

1000 or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows f**king everything.

[Rossnall]

Oldie but still a goodie!

[Corzza]

Stolen Car

Several days ago as I left a meeting; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down.. I was looking for my keys and discovered they were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all... "Honey," I stammered, I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I Didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.

[Corzza]

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

[Guest XR09]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

> Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question..'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move..

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

Now what the F*ck would you have said?

[Corzza]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my local member about Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. It's not my fault, they need to make their instructions to us seniors, a little clearer!

[Corzza]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a

sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over

his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your

recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is

unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,

and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off

potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop

winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins

pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,

ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he

finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,

and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this

is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees

womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,

winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Corzza]

The Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.