Joke Of The Day

[pkooistra]

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name,

or how you met,

or why they're dead.

[Corzza]

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . .. We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .

An old favourite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . ..

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . ?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."

The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"

[Corzza]

I learned a lot from this. Education has certainly changed.

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL

breed.

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well

endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot

yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but

brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and

the

abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,

E,I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I

had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its

meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Corzza]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man

ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual

Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner

suggested a parrot, named Chet, which

could sing famous Christmas carols. This

seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get

him to sing?" The young man asked,

excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match

directly under his feet." was the shop

owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under

the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner

then held another match under the parrot's

right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and

the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy

Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he

paid the shop-keeper and ran home as

quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was

overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he

talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he

can sing. Let me show you." So the young

man whipped out his lighter and placed it

under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper

had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle

Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved

the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out

came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then

asked, "What if we hold the lighter between

his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try

it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So

they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and

the little parrot sang out loudly like it was

the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts

roasting on an open fire...."

[PookeyMaster]

LOL, that GED exam one is awesome and terrible at the same time...

[Ciaran]

Those golfer/caddy ones made me LOL literally

[pkooistra]

My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car to run for her life.

[Corzza]

AUSTRALIAN IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Maryborough Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in

Ipswich, Qld.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Bauple Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Bankstown, Sydney .....

IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened at Brisbane Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged 'co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Gladstone P.O. Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Expensive Daewoo Dealership Townsville Qld

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...!

[Corzza]

2012 Darwin Awards

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [uPI, Toronto ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Expensive Daewoo Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

[Corzza]

After just a few years of marriage, filled

with constant arguments, a young man and

his wife decided the only way to save their

marriage was to try counseling. They had

been at each other's throat for some time

and felt that this was their last straw. When

they arrived at the counselor's office, the

counselor jumped right in and opened the

floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face

down without anything to say. On the other

hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an

hour describing all the wrongs within their

marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the

wife, the counselor went over to her, picked

her up by her shoulders, kissed her

passionately for several minutes, and sat

her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat

there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was

staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your

wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and

replied, "I can have her here every

Tuesdays and Thursdays."