Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

* Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

* A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

* Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

* I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

* Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

* I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

* Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

* After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

[Corzza]

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

[Corzza]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!

[GTEXXED]

My mate asks me where id like to be in a couple years time,I reply"ball deep in ya sisters arse hole".

[EFSIX]

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.

The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"

"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own sh*t."

"WHAT? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"

Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, sh*t in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.

The second guy said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!"

"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."

The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.

"It ain't gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own sh*t."

"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of sh*t in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers.

In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.

"We lost it all!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the sh*t?"

"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.

[EFSIX]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[Shyfrd]

Lol ^

And I farkin hope that veet story is a crock of sh*t haha. Poor kunt lmao

[Ciaran]

There's soooo many veet stories and they're all hillarious!

I was actually going to post that one above a few days ago but forgot haha

[Corzza]

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts

To lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...

Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

[Corzza]

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering

- how much stronger am I gonna get?”