Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

"MATES"

THE PROFOUND THINGS MEN THINK ABOUT WHEN LEFT ALONE

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing spot

No one else around, just them quietly fishing and drinking beer.

Almost silently, as not to scare the fish away, Wayne whispers ....

I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me for almost two weeks !

Mark hears Wayne but quietly continues fishing & sipping his beer

Just as Wayne turns quietly toward Mark expecting a response,

Mark thoughtfully replies .....

You better think it over Wayne !

Women like that are almost impossible to find ....

[Corzza]

A woman from New York was

driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car

broke down.

An American Indian on

horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby

town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they

rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every

few minutes the Indian would

let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the

surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he

let her off at the local service station, yelled one final

'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you

do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station

attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I

merely sat behind him on the horse, put my

arms

around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't

fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't

use saddles."

[Impellor]

The Western Plains Elephant Zookeeper was rushed to Dubbo hospital today.

When asked by the the Doctor what had happened he replied that he was raped by the Zoo's bull elephant.

After examination, the Doctor asked the Zookeeper why he had a 10 inch opening in his anus, when the pen*s of an elephant only has a 4 inch circumference.

The Zookeeper bust into tears and said "the dirty bastard fingered me first"

Cheers

[Corzza]

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a F”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

[Corzza]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law

last night when I asked if I could borrow

a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew

what hit it...........

[Corzza]

The Nagger

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces'.

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a garudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce'

[Corzza]

The wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[Corzza]

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central

London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to

Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the

loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on

the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything

checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the

loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the

rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against

a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's

underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this

transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While

you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi

millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for

only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

Ah, the mind of the Scotsman....

[Corzza]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,

marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds -

to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the

silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,

and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists

and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

“We'll have a new one."

[Corzza]

Please Lads don't try this at home!

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my butt. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my butt while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...