Joke Of The Day

[Cro]

Peanuts

One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were to big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital.

As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and theirs daughters date said he could get it out for him. The daughters date put his two fingers in her fathers nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut fell out. The daughter and her date went up stairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was in coming up with that idea.

The man's wife asked, "I wonder what he's going to be when he grows up."

The man says, "From the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law".

[KEN 24T]

Community service at its best (requires winzip to open - about 900KB, but worth it)

Sensational.

[Blown BA]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the

owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for

his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from one to ten and

if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed eight. The proprietor said, "You were close.

The number was seven. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same "redneck", along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled

in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again

gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed two this time and again the proprietor said,

"Sorry, it was three. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the "redneck" said to his buddy, "I think

that game is rigged and he don't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it ain't rigged -- my wife won

twice last week."

[Blown BA]

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a

very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!!

With that look, I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself,

and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the

middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an

offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up,

I will do anything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then, she gets out her cell

phone and calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for

some advice.

The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money,

you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his

fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the

money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman.

The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"

The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-b**ch dropped $500

in quarters!"

[Blown BA]

A man of age 87 and woman of age 86 just got married and are on their honeymoon.

In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed

and waits for her new groom.

He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer.

She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door.

Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She giggles, "Honey, what are you doing?

I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."

He looks up at her and says,

"I know, but honey, you know how the dampness affects my arthritis."

[aniken]

Charlie Brown

[aniken]

Prove it

[Falchoon]

NO OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANY PERSON / RANK !!!!!!!!!!!!

The REAL World of Policing

Q. How many GDs does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One, but make sure you record it in your notebook, complete a COPS event and an Intel, write it off on CIDS then record it on I.task and in the Vehicle Diary as well. Oh and don't forget to inform your Supervisor but don't incur any over time doing it.

.

Q. How many Detectives does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 15. Set up a task force and give it a name like Task Force "Illuminate" make some enquiries to find out the wattage, brand and type of light bulb, Find out when the light bulb last changed, who changed it and why, then sit down and go through all the possibilities of the cause of the death of the light bulb, conduct COPS checks, decide that the light bulb committed suicide and that the GDs can handle the job and then submit the overtime forms.

.

Q. How many SPG does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. The policy of the NSW Police is to Contain and Negotiate. If the light bulb wants to change, call a Negotiator.

Q. How many HWP Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. That’s a job for GDs.

("AS 202 can we get a local car here to change a light bulb?" They actually don't like the light bulb as cockroaches prefer the darkness)

.

Q. How many Weapons Instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 3. One to change the light bulb, one to ensure that the officer is using an approved light bulb changing technique and the third to act as the safety officer in the event of an injury.

.

Q. How many EDO's does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 150. They can't make a decision without discussing it with every other EDO in the state at a conference somewhere and then writing a Policy Document outlining the procedure before implementing the policy and actioning the Standing Operating Procedures for changing the light bulb.

.

Q. How many Duty Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The answer to this question is indeterminate as no one has ever seen a duty officer take command of a situation, without first consulting several other duty officers via mobile phone, standing around for hours, to determine whether or not to deploy police to change the light bulb, consulting the relevant legislation and SOPS. By the time a decision has been made, the light bulb has already been changed (see GDs) and the Duty Officer has put it in his next job application of an example of taking command of a critical incident.

.

Q. How many Sergeants does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. The job was delegated to a car crew and a manuscript report outlining the incident will be completed by the end of the shift.

[XRSICKT]

Community service at its best (requires winzip to open - about 900KB, but worth it)

ohhh geeez, nice one

[Dagabond]

Useful phrases at work

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

Ahhh...I see the f*ck up fairy has visited us again.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

Are you a f*cking ray of sunshine every day?

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.