Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

[Blown BA]

Twas the night before Payback...

'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,

The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.

Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,

He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,

But all that he's done is just make us madder.

We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,

And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,

And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,

You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,

And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,

They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?

He came very close, to his final breath.

So come out and prove it, that you are a man,

Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,

And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,

Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,

For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,

Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,

It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

[Blown BA]

Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?

Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

[ktford]

A chappy was golfing on his own & on the 7th tee he sprayed one wildly into the right hand rough, on arriving at his ball he was alarmed to see an ELF sitting adjacent his ball rubbing a massive welt on his head.

The elf looked up at our Golfer & said,

Is that your ball?

to which our man replied,

why yes it is.

The elf proceeded

well thank you, I've been asleep for 400 years & you've woken me, for this I'll give you one of 2 wishes.

Either I'll make you a scratch Golfer or I'll give you an incredible sex life.

Our golfer contemplates momentarily then replies,

I'll be a scratch golfer thanks

To which the Elf commands,

Done

But before he leaves the Elf enquires,

I'm curious as to why you chose as you did? I mean what is your sex life like?

The Golfer replies

well actually, I'm quitye satisfied with my sex life thankyou

Still intrigued the Elf asks

How many times do you have sex

the Golfer replies

Oh about 4 times a year

Befuddled our Elf says

Your satisfied with four times a year

The golfer says

maybe not much for you but it's pretty good for a Middle aged Preacher in a small Parsih.

Scotty

[Falchoon]

New Government job.....

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks

him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"

The guy replies, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my te$ticles, so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to

work, though."

"Sorry to hear about your injury, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we can get right to work.

The guy says, "If working hours are! 8 to 4 why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we just sit around and scratch our balls for the

first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."

[Falchoon]

Old Times

I called a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to hook up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

“Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat b**ch.

[Falchoon]

*Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict

interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club

and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. *

*------------------------------------------------------*

*Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime

fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still

exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced b**ches.*

*------------------------------------------------------*

*Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and

shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail

purposes, maybe more.*

*------------------------------------------------------*

*Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bas*ard, living in a damp cottage

in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady,

with a lovely chest.*

*------------------------------------------------------*

*Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for

wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and

slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale

moon.*

*------------------------------------------------------*

*Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks

alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.*

*------------------------------------------------------*

*Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old

double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded

twin sister.*

[turbotom]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"Its a planet," replied God,

"and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor;

the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

"The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Victoria!!!"

:lol:

[Guest]

Tom wants to get banned :lol: and so he should for that

[stardust]

A man walks into a bar in north queensland with a live crocodile hanging over his shoulder.

The Bartender says" You will have leave the crocodile outside you are scaring all my patrons ... Have a look they are all out in the courtyard

The Bloke says its a harmless crock I will show you all

The bloke puts the crock on the bar and opens its mouth and sticks his dick inside its mouth and then he hits the crock over the head with a beer bottle

the crock does not move and everyone is amazed

The bloke asks " does anybody else wanna have a go at doing that ??

A 90 year old lady smiling yells out " I will as long as you dont hit me over the head with that f%^ken bottle