Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

Tom wants to get banned :lol: and so he should for that

Ah, the voice of experience ...

[ktford]

it is the home of the world's finest an artist, a musician, a writer, 1 thinker, an explorer and a politician.

Well at least you got the population right, 6

Scotty

[Blown BA]

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.

"No you can't," said Ted.

"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said...

"When my wife had whooping cough...?"

[Blown BA]

Hi y'all...muh name id's Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me... Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there's my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That's the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

[Blown BA]

Alabama License Application

Last name: _________________

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: _________________

3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________

2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: _____

Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________

Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles that you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:

[_] truck [_] kitchen

[_] bedroom [_] bathroom

[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 200-400 miles

[_] over 400 miles

[_] what's a miles?

Edited 11/08/04 06:29 AM by Blown BA

[geea]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"Its a planet," replied God,

"and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor;

the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

"The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Victoria!!!"

:lol:

Bloody Crow eaters, still haven't gotten over us taking the F1 Grand Prix. :lol:

Geea.

[Guest]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"Its a planet," replied God,

"and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor;

the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

"The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Victoria!!!"

:lol:

Bloody Crow eaters, still haven't gotten over us taking the F1 Grand Prix. :lol:

Geea.

best thing the vics ever did ,you can stick your roundie roundie up your clacker...

The V8s mate,now that's racing,open wheelas are for sehilas

Oh and Kent

[Falchoon]

How are these people in the gene pool ????

Long read, but worth the reminder that we're lucky to have come from the deeper end of the gene pool!

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that

you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a

half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager

at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a

few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I

picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and

placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl

had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all

over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she

said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into

her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what

she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept

asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her

car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have > replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out

of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor

home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of

repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set

the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central

office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have

problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one

of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the

back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the

mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....

Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[Dagabond]

The Rev. Jerry Falwell

once outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after...

Fred Flintstone

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; "Twinkle-Toes Flintstones." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

Bugs Bunny

Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.

Velma (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

Popeye

Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

Batman and Robin

Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights.They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

Peppermint Patty

Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanutsgals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.

The Pink Panther

Enough said.

[Blown BA]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own

pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said,

"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get

elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t-head's

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you

want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days

I've stayed alive. Ahhh the power of positive thinking cannot be

underestimated!

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for

Miss Universe?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words:

"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

18 . A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend

will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.. that was fun!".