Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A Canadian girl is visiting the USA for the first time in her life...

She walks into a bar and decides she'd like a beer. She walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer, eh"

The bartender replys, "Anheiser Busch?"

She says, "Not bad, Thanks, Hows your Dink?"

[Blown BA]

Mission to Mars

(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)

The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.

"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."

The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments’ later headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,

report to communications for instructions."

Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronautl please report to communications for instructions."

The blonde sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says-

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

[Dagabond]

Work Quotes:

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these

meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was

going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale

improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to

get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's

unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a

protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered

from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bas*ard, and quit, to work for myself. My

new Boss is a bas*ard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He

walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit

of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he

created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the

impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the

outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training.

Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're

under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern

this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that

position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

[Dagabond]

Wise words of the day-Eire mail

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

* Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

* ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

* For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

* I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

* If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

* Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

* Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

* Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

* Do witches run spell checkers?

* Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

* Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

* What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

* Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

* COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

* Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

* BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

* BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

* C:\> Bad command or filename! Go stand in the corner.

* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

* Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

* Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

* ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

* Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

* 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

* Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

* Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

* ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

* Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

* Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

* Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

* Hit any user to continue.

* 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (P)anic

* (A)bort, ®etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* (A)bort, ®etry, (G)et a beer?

* Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

[Dagabond]

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they

do so okay, Windows does that

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does

that, too

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable

programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow

(see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental

differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on

most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they

tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.

In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates,

but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure.

[Dagabond]

Warning Messages

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun

Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered

that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with

bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend® throat lozenges:

Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte,

Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home

pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation

device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's

coffee:

Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer

will

replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of

$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen,

Leesburg)

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined

that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart

attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the

opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and

wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple

of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,

Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith

Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry

Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which

has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan,

Potomac)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political

figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you

looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken

Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,

Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No

meteorological

warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.

(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image

of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the

photocopy.

(John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,

phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,

Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail

note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

[Dagabond]

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old

dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that

Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for

John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was

a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and

she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack

in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time

I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her

upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented

her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all

wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on

her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they

were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.

[Dagabond]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the

object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes

containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar

mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that

goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your

hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage

cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What

wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy

lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from

the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones

poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and

hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django

Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you

have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the

jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a

hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is

ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on

crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten

to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without

the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid

from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your

battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop

light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is

not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main

purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm

howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle

of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as

the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,

Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

[Dagabond]

1Liners

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

[Dagabond]

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a

chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the

engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical

engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might

be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical

engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer, who had said nothing: "Well, what

do you think?"

"Ummm--how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"