Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix

it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

[Dagabond]

Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web

10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"

9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.

7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Webpage.

2. So does your hamster.

And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web:

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

[pym]

Anyone care to post something funny ?, unlike the recent drivel ?

[God666]

Hey Dagabond,

Don't feel compelled to reproduce the entire contents of the WWW in this thread.

[Falchoon]

Hey Dagabond,

Don't feel compelled to reproduce the entire contents of the WWW in this thread.

He's just giving BlownBA a break and trying to catch up to Ken in the post wh0re rankings :lol:

[Blown BA]

He's just giving BlownBA a break and trying to catch up to Ken in the post wh0re rankings  :lol:

You wouldn't know what a wh0re is

Edited 30/09/04 07:47 AM by Blown BA

[Blown BA]

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

[Blown BA]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall

>

>He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

>

>The cop asked, "What's he like?"

>

>The little boy replied, "Crown Royal, and women with big *beep*".

[Blown BA]

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie", the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.

Again, the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man:

"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give $3,000 to you."

MORAL: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.

[Kato]

The LAPD, CIA and FBI are each asked to prove their capabilities in tracking and apprehending terrorists. Predsident Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to treat this rabbit as their target and try and catch it quickly.

The CIA goes first, it sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses, after 3 months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist!

The FBI goes in, after 2 weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything including the rabbit. They make no apologies, the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD go in, they come out after just 2 hours with a badly beaten bear in custody. The bear is sobbing uncontrolably, "OK, OK I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"

John Howard hears about Bush's idea and decides to test out Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra and invites all law enforcement agencies from accross Australia.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 Million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in next, they're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They all looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self defence" They explained!

The NSW police go in, suveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing around agum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland police are next to go in, they reappear a short time later driving a brand new BMW, with scantilly clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself whilst the officer in charge "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know that it's the black ones that cause all the trouble.

The Australin Federal Police refuse to go in. They examine the issues, particularly the cost, and decide that because of low priority, high overtime, and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.