Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6man]

LOL@Kato ... maaate, all that is sooo true.

[Blown BA]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the

owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for

his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from one to ten and

if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed eight. The proprietor said, "You were close.

The number was seven. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same "redneck", along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled

in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again

gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed two this time and again the proprietor said,

"Sorry, it was three. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the "redneck" said to his buddy, "I think

that game is rigged and he don't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it ain't rigged -- my wife won

twice last week."

[Blown BA]

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a

very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!!

With that look, I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself,

and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the

middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an

offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up,

I will do anything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then, she gets out her cell

phone and calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for

some advice.

The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money,

you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his

fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the

money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman.

The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"

The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-b**ch dropped $500

in quarters!"

[Blown BA]

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along

one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the

Chinese man and knocked him down.

'What was that for?' the Chinese man asked.

'That was for Pearl Harbor!' the Jewish man said.

'Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese.'

'Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!'

'Oh!'

They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man

whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.

'What was that for?' the Jewish man asked.

'That was for the Titanic!'

'The Titanic? That was an iceberg.'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.

[Blown BA]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[turbotom]

A photographer for a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from ground-level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell-phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight.

He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield and spotted his plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered,

"So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

[Blown BA]

Wounded American

A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!"

Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism:

"Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it."

Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American."

The nurse took off her panties and the soldier kissed the flag.

Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

[Blown BA]

An Irish woman "of a certain age," visited her physician to ask his

help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He

won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me

know how things went."

It wasn't a week later, but what she rang up the doctor, who

directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

'Twashorrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?

The effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up,

with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With

one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped

me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,

passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not

good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've

had in 25 years...

But... I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Blown BA]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his pen*s in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s pen*s in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[XR6_ED]

After the birth of sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some

cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former

youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and

looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and children had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six

children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a

tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a

badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three

roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm

a bit confused as to why I've received them"

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation

went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say

thanks"

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was

such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll

be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very

excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane.

"And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse.

"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."