Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Beer Quotes

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself

a pleasure.

--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank

her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.

--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,

so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

you don't like jail?

naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.

--Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it

makes beer shoot out your nose.

--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

One more drink and I'd be under the host.

--Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking

Barry Manilow.

--Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.

I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with

slightly over half that quantity of beer.

--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is

beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the

wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and

oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital

ingredient in beer.

--Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find

that workouts cut into my drinking time.

--A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

--Humphrey Bogart

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig

wouldn't eat.

--David Geary

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

--David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.

--Edward Abbey

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just

like to pee a lot.

--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse!

--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he

drank his first American beer at a bar.

[Dagabond]

Divine Press Release

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had

an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year

old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's

"only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that

she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she

was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning,

God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship

existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time,

verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the

Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of

whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had

illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three

foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued

subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens

in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the

charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God

had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed

land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to

cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's

political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the

destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention

away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public

land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro

quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to

God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral

standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently

outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10

"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.

Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions

for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning

to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional

restriction on free speech.

[Dagabond]

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe, Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on, Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It'sgot to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breas*s, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[Dagabond]

Time Sheets

Staff Note

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time(code 5309).

To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List

Code# Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net

5001 Reading/Writing Social Email

5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)

5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail

5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail

5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail

5316 Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker while Co-worker Is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Co-worker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates you

5403 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates you Because you wouldn't sleep with them

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Time Sheet

5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Myself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5600 b**ching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)

5601 b**ching about Low Pay (see code #5610)

5602 b**ching about Long Hours (see code #5610)

5603 b**ching about Co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)

5604 b**ching about Boss (see code #5610)

5605 b**ching about Personal Problems

5610 Searching for a New Job

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive b**ching

5701 Not Actually Present at Job

5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6206 Gossiping

6207 Planning a Social Event

6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job

6223 Pretending I Like My Co-workers

6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasising

6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring at Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)

7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

[Dagabond]

Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, Irish beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are. (not to mention the lighting wonders for their looks)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol in females may cause extreme bloating in a 9 month period. (oops)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

[Dagabond]

WILE E. COYOTE VS. ACME

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe,

Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding.

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant

Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous

states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,

manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,

incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district,

and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,

loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct

result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under

Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072,

subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has

purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that

company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him

bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary

labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are

at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such

injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his

ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is

self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via

parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to

use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of

the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate

and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.

Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such

sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a

length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot

forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and

neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.

Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing

jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote

abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered

sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this

maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the

Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly

thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and

Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),

prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple

fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a

result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full

bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full

or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to

support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an

aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to

use this product, however, he became involved in an accident

remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again,

Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which

attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate

vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered

by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon

after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so

violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this

document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of

Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided

Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order

Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as

Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive

purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.

To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal

effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a

wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward

around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert

floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical

explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly

down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed

a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the

spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the

butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr.

Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned

down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to

naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in

the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.

2. Sooty discoloration.

3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in

the aftershock with a creaking noise.

4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,

frazzling, and ashy disintegration.

5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of

these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.

Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories

of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to

date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and

extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is

simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to

milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a

tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.

Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon

his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are

at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote

affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent

to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to

frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals

and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the

lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed

appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped

near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.

Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the

lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote

forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,

the Acme Spring- Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr.

Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung

suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote

to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of

his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon

Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.

The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to

bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs

adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact

with the boulder, or the boulder cam into contact with Mr. Coyote, or

both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one,

this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.

Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the

tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of

vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a

vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.

Coyote's body tissues-- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.

Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he

walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every

step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been

a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of

manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our

contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the

detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching

powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and

two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust

Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of

supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners

in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a

giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most

reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger

economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of

seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual

damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional

occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,

injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees

of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote

the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors,

officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language

they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to

equal protection under the law.

*No I didnt read it either.......

[Dagabond]

What Sex Is Your Computer?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she explained, would have a gender association, although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men.

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Dagabond]

Misogynist ?

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about

theirprofessions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young,

Urban,Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.

The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, NoKids.

"The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker. "

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fook, Etc. "

[Dagabond]

Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and

leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a

flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be

promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities

without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of

car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put

it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and

it holds the universe together.

[Dagabond]

Fun .sig files ( & other thoughts)

As far as I know, Intel has no official opinion on Green Lantern continuity and other such matters... so any opinions expressed are simply my own (and they are the correct opinions, I might add).

i know i'm a bad speller, don't waste FlameWidth pointing out old news intel agrees with this, but not necessarly anything above the line.

[Rick Busdiecker's plan file, Michael.Mauldin@G.GP.CS.CMU.EDU, and Christopher Garrigues <7thSon@SPAR.SLB.COM>, along with those named above, were each responsible for bringing this message one step closer to you, but the gruesome electronic mail details have been suppressed. Ed]

The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization.

Should the opinions expressed above be those of someone else besides the author.. Well.. it ain't my fault.

"Opinions expressed herein were not mine originally, but were forced on me at gunpoint by the Interactive Systems Corporation"

Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. [my employers certainly have no idea]

Richard Harter, SMDS Inc. [Disclaimers not permitted by company policy.] [i set company policy.]

"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."

The opinions in this article are my own, and not those of the voices which tell me what to do.

DISCLAIMER: All grammatical and spelling errors are inserted deliberately to test the software I am developing. In fact, that is the only reason I am posting. Yeah, that's the ticket! All my postings are just test data! Yeah!!

Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that have been following him all day.

Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway...

-- Disclaimer: These aren't mere opinions... these are *values*.

My opinions! Do you hear? MINE! Not JPL's.

This is not an official statement of Hewlett-Packard Corp., and does not necessarily reflect the views of HP. It is provided completely without warranty of any kind. Lawyers take 3d10 damage and roll a saving throw vs. ego attack.

Disclaimer: All opinions herein are fictitious, any similarity to real opinions, living or dead, is coincidental.

DISCLAIMER: My opinion is a poor thing, but mine own. Any similarity to any others' opinion, living or dead, is coincidental.

The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw...

The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. Now, who among us can tell the difference? RSD@sei.cmu.edu

Disclaimer: "The above opinions are those of a large rodent with sharp teeth"

Please note that these are my own private opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Xerox Corporation. Actually, I cannot tell a lie, they are not my opinions at all, they are the opinions of the little green men who come out of the walls at night and stick wires in my head.

Opinions (as above) are like noses: everyone has one, and most smell.

Disclaimer: Anything not explicitly labeled as fact is my own opinion.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick

"It was unintelligible at any speed we played it." -- A US Government report investigating possible bad words in "Louie Louie"

"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."

"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?"

It brings to mind Alan Gopin's generic comment, "It seems to be vague, but is in fact meaningless."

"Yes, my name is Stewart, and I assure you I can speak, And lately I find myself astounded at the sort of company you keep.../ One thing further I must mention, of this fact I cannot understand/ Is your sensational attention at annoying me with your hand." -- Stewie

.... Any queuing system is prone to breakage, and mail systems are written to be as paranoid as possible in an effort to prevent this. Automated paranoia makes for big programs.

How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?

[Did you ever think about how much your cities actually weigh?

To search for perfection is all very well, But to look for heaven is to live here in hell.

....Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

.... I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'M fishing.

"What I do is not so much songs as it is exercises in tonal breath control"

when a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. - GB Shaw

"He who hesitates is lunch"

"Computer Science Considerations"-- BYTE 2/86. An interview with the developer of TEX and METAFONT, Donald Knuth: "I was excited that I started out trying to apply computer science to typography and wound up applying typography to computer science. . ."

"We could always shoot one of the philosophers." - David Gries

If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.

remember, if you do it yourself, sooner or later you'll need a bigger hammer

"Pass me the Rap Rod, Plate Captain" "What?" "Pass me the telephone, waiter. If you guys were any less hip, your bums would fall off."

"Watch while the queen in one false move turns herself into a pawn"

The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do -- McCloctnik the Lucid

"I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your letter [review] before me. Soon it will be behind me." - Max Reger (1873-1916), a composer whose music is still little known outside of his native Germany.

I'm growing older but not up... - Jimmy Buffett

"Therefore the younger a guitar is the less stable it is while the older a guitar is the more stable it becomes. This is essentially because it takes quite a while for a guitar neck to realize that it is no longer part of a tree."

"They're directly beneath us, Moriarty. Release the piano!"

"Not looking like Pascal is not a language deficiency!"

At once words appeared on the screen: "Hello. My name is Hank Thoro II. Please type your name." "My whole name?" he typed. "Good. Do you like baseball? Just type Y for Yes or N for No." --- from "Roderick" by John Sladek

Epigram: Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.

Remember Knuth: "premature optimization is the root of all evil."

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro!

Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.

"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." -- Socrates "Tell the Truth and run."--Yugoslav proverb

If you find any *answers* in anything I've said, you've misunderstood me.

"People who are incapable of making decisions are the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits."

I love music that sounds like a Conrail locomotive caraeening headlong into a truckload of Harpsichords.

``There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly''

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter. -Blaise Pascal

Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.

`uncontrolled descents into terrain'

"You got it kid -- the large print giveth and the small print taketh away."

Kaden thought of the old Klingon proverb. "Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die."

these opinions and others like them are widespread in the culture

I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789 characters.

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"Hi... My name is Hobbes. I'm the product of a malicious 5-year old's twisted and destructive imagination. Would YOU like to be my friend?"

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

PEART says: "How can anyone be truly enlightened, when the truth is so poorly lit?"

However paranoid you are, you're probably right.

inquiring gnomes want to mine!

"Somebody's had too much to think"

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails."

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. -- Mark Twain

Don't run faster than your shoes. -- Scottish saying

"Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."

"To get to the meat of the matter, I will come right to the point, and take note of the fact that the heart of the issue in the final analysis escapes me."

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country of being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am."

Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings

Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.

"If you see this boy", said the ballerina, "do not---I repeat, do not---attempt to reason with him." Rich Rosen pyuxd!rlr